So now I have a twitter account, after all that loathing I used to spit, but it’s for a good cause: Revolution!

Revolution of the mind, heart, and soul of Americans, educating these dumb adults about the schooling they went through so they don’t put their own kids through it to end up just as dumb and a lot more disgruntled.

Revolution of the economy and the evil grinning dollar signs shining in the eyes of big business and centralized government. Money for money’s sake is as worthless as the linen it’s printed on, and better for wiping your ass than buying that Ferrari.

There’s a lot of shit up there, in my brain. It isn’t all anxiety and insecurity. There’s also a lioness roaring inside, pacing and growling and licking her chops, just waiting for the chance to pounce and attack!

I wish I could talk to you again.

I wish I didn’t have these feelings,

This interference

Because I am a friend.

I wish it could be more, but

I’m afraid it never will.

I wish I could stop grinding

My teeth from chewing back

Unspoken words.

My saliva washes around the grit,

I can feel a loose tooth.

AN’s a bitch, AiN’t it?

I wish emotions were like a faucet

That could turn on and off

At will. Alas.

No.

I wish I had a time machine,

I wish I didn’t need one.

I wish, and wish, and wish again;

At least I have the sun.

I feel like I”m still a man

Sometimes.

When they look and glare and call

And joke and laugh and point.

Sometimes,

I feel like laughing back,

Or shouting angry words,

Or balling up and crying.

Sometimes.

I pass the pipe, I chew my gum,

The pills dissolve slowly on my tongue.

The kitten purrs, soft and warm.

But long laid tracks, so low, so worn,

Sometimes

Run through my psyche.

Endless

And with no beginning,

Silence

Is what I seek.

Sometimes,

I FEEL SO WEAK. 

Companionship. It’s a beautiful thing, when it’s healthy and simple. Like the love of a little ball of fluff. Her name is Yoruichi, and she’s a sweet, vocal, stinky, loving cat only a month old and still growing so fast! X3

Bonding is so powerful and awesome. It’s amazing and indescribable. Cleaning poopy paws, however…not so much lol.

In any case, the cat, and the hormones, help with my general quality of health. Did I mention those? I finally got the hormones I needed to aid in my gender reassignment. I feel the physiological effects already, with my breasts tender and filling my bra cups, and my emotions, while strong and varied, are not erratic or disorganized.

Hairy legs make me feel super mannish, though XP

This homeless thing definitely wreaks havoc on my posting capabilities. I have to wait until I find an unguarded moment on a friend’s computer and try to type as much as possible before I have to get off or I run out of things to say.

Here’s something interesting: I sucked a friend off the other night. It was fun, but I guess a little awkward. Yet, we still were totally able to walk together and talk like before, there wasn’t any awkward silences or anything. I’d like to ask him out, but I fear that it might be hard for him to have a transgender girlfriend, either because of his family or a block in his head that wouldn’t be able to see past my penis and manly features. I suppose that suspicion is at the back of my head all the time. I feel like a two-way mirror at times, like I can see all these people that are attractive to me, but I’m behind a reflection and they can’t see, hear, or touch me, so they pass me by without a second glance.

I don’t put too much stock in Astrology, but sometiumes the personality traits described fit me to a “T” and one such is that, as a Gemini, I’ll always be looking for that other half of myself my twin, like Castor and Pollux. Never will I be satisfied to live alone. I’m happier now that I’ve accepted my identity, but happy? No. Loneliness and Happiness don’t mix, like oil and acid. It’s a fucked up world we live in where the people who need other people are left alone, while those loneliest around peope seem bombarded with them. What kind of a balance is that? What can I do, where can I go that I can find someone looking through that mirror, smiling at me and not their reflection?

I went into a women’s bathroom where othere women were for the first time a couple of weeks ago. It was so nerve wracking, it isn’t funny. I know, I know, it’s just a bathroom, but I dunno. I feel like as soon as they see me, they’ll make some sort of deprecating remark that boils down to “What the fuck are you doing here? You aren’t a woman.”  It frightened me, but since then I have been in a number of restrooms containing other women, and while most of the time their eyes seem to me to be saying exactly that, never have they actually said anything.

Last night I had a dream I talked to my dad, or more like I walked into a room and he was on the couch. I was in my garb (seeing as I don’t have male clothes anymore anyway, this was important) and as I tried to talk to him, I saw a tear fall down his cheek when he saw me, and he started to ask me why I would do such a thing. But no matter how I tried to get a word in edgewise, it was like my arms couldn’t move fast enough to sign an argument back, that I had to sit and listen to his tirade. Luckily, I was woken up before it got too far by the sounds of other people in the house.

I woke up with tears. The dream just remeinded me thast, in all my anticipations of what my parents would do, the one I truly did not expect is what happened. They ignored it, me, and pretended nothing happened. And that hurts worse than an angry letter with the fires of heaven behind it.

Now it’s like I don’t exist. I sit in the corner while friends have fun, and cry. I mourn so very much. I wish to be happy, and my mind attaches itself to things of this world, impermanent things. Suffering arises. I need to break the cycle.